I'm here to post about solitude too.
Well, actually, the past couple of years have been really really dry for me spiritually. I suppose part of it could be attributed to the fact that I felt really lost and din have a direction to head towards. 2005 was a really turbulent and bad year for me in fact - the year I went way off the road and totally strayed from God, living my life sinfully and the way I knew God didn't want it to be. I guess part of it was rebellion as well cos I was just sick of drifting along like a piece of driftwood. Won't go into too much detail about what went last year, but anyway, when the year ended, I told God that I want 2006 to be a new year, a new start for us.
So... about wat sarahmama said bout God doing a work in our lives this year... It really has been true for me. I can see a big transformation in my life. Okay, I won't say I'm totally living by the spirit because that's not true. It was more like I suddenly could discern the right from the wrong and I've been living the past half of the year quite rightfully, though somehow something was lacking in my life and that's the presence of God. So that day during solitude, I flipped open the bible and was talking to God about a lot of things. When suddenly, something popped into my mind: "Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial." How true is that? I felt that God was trying to tell me that everything i'm doing now may be right, but it may not always be the most beneficial to me cos I haven't been seeking him about it. It's like.. studying. When it's exam time, you know you're doing the right thing by studying, but you may not be studying in the most study-smart manner which would be most beneficial to you. I'm sorry to use such a studious analogy but that was what popped into my mind immediately.
On friday night during worship, I felt like my heart was having this big confrontation with the holy spirit. It was my fears vs letting God freely work thru my life. I was terribly worried about something at that time, and I felt like I couldn't let it all go to him and let God do what he wanted to do. I started doubting God's mercies and his goodness - I feared that the Lord would do something that would be disastrous to me as punishment for my wayward life last year or simply just to teach me some thing in my life. Well, I was struggling really badly and sobbing away during the worship session, and I finally told God: "I'm letting go of my fears and trusting in you regarding the situation, but please don't let anything go wrong." Somehow, I was still holding on to part of it, I guess it's just human nature [my human nature at least] to be slightly skeptical. But as much as I could, I let go of what I could. And the moment I did that, news came in regarding the situation I was worried about and it was good news that totally relieved me of the burden.
Somehow, I feel like God is telling me to let go of all my worries and to cast all my cares upon him cos he is in control of the situation that I'm in.
Aiya, it's so hard to explain like that but God's really doing a mighty work in my life la!
posted by Nessaa @ 9:52 AM
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